Category Archives: Stuff We Don't Need

Stuff We Don’t Need: Caffeinated Waffles

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So, it was time for my morning coffee, and I was on my way to the Viking Union (student center), at my place of employment, Western Washington University, when I came across a vendor on Vendor’s Row selling what you see here in the photo to the right. (Click photo to enlarge to better read the label.)

That’s right. Caffeinated waffles from the people at WiredWaffles.com.

Context: It’s finals week at the university, a time of deadlines, all-nighters and sleep deprivation.

I continued on to my favorite vendor, The Coffee Lady, and as I filled my 16-oz. reusable mug I asked her, “Did you ever think that your competition would come in the form of a waffle?”

The Coffee Lady replied, “No, I can’t say that I saw that coming.”

I know it seems mighty hypocritical of me, a daily coffee drinker, to give a thumbs-down to the Wired Waffle, but there’s something so blatantly and disturbingly exploitative about it. At least from my experience, the vast majority of coffee advertising has nothing to do with the caffeine and everything to do with the flavor.

Finally, the fact that the WiredWaffles.com website BADLY needs proofreading, well, as a former English major, sorry, I can’t abide.

Stuff We Don’t Need: Sip & Sniff Coffee Lids

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It’s been quite some time since I did a Stuff We Don’t Need installment, for reasons I can’t quite explain. I come across stuff we don’t need all the time, but for some reason this one really jumped out at me today.

While I get the idea behind the to-go coffee lid you see here to the right…

Via Gizmodo:

Coffee from your favorite donut shop has a problem. It doesn’t taste as good as it should because the lid traps in the wonderful aroma. Taste is 95% smell, so you’re really missing out.

Mint Urban Technologies has a solution for this sensory shortcoming. It’s designed the Aroma Lid, a new cover that’s infused with the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. When you take a sip, you smell and taste a wonderful, full-bodied brew.

…I look at this thing and I think:

  • What a waste of technology! You sip and sniff for, what?, 15 minutes, and then the lid is off to a landfill?!
  • Speaking of waste, if this was a reusable lid for a reusable coffee mug or cup I’d be more open to the idea. I’m as opposed to single-use coffee cups as I am to single-use shopping bags (post 1 and post 2 on the subject of the latter).
  • Apropos my recent post on the Slow Bicycle Movement, perhaps the real solution to the odorless coffee problem is for us to slow down and smell the coffee, to simply plan an extra 15-30 minutes into our days, when we can sit with our hot java in a reusable cup without a lid, and breathe in all that roasted bean goodness as we consume our go juice…and then go.

Stuff We Don’t Need: Dyed Doggies

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Listen, I love animals. Really. I do!

But I’ve had a problem with pets my whole life. I know, humans domesticated a slew of different animals hundreds of years ago and there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s no turning back. And, while I’ve had pets I was close with over the years — my childhood Poodle, the cat I had in college, my old Malamute, my current Siamese cat — I’ve never been able to shake the sad thought that animals were all free once and now so many are dependent on humans, threatened by humans, or both.

Enter China. The Communist government there used to ban pets, but, alas, capitalism’s influence has created a boom in pet ownership, and now, the latest fad: dog dying.

No, that’s not a panda. That’s an Old English sheepdog groomed and dyed to look like a panda. Isn’t it cuuuuuute! Don’t you want one too?!

Sure, but take a look at Spiderwoman. How degrading! You can see the resignation and humiliation in the little Bichon’s eyes. You can almost hear her say, “They used to love me and my white, fuzzy fur. Then one day I just wasn’t good enough. Sigh.”

Stuff We Don’t Need: Nipple Enhancers

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Listen, I like nipples as much as the next guy or gal.

But this is so wrong in so many ways.

To name a few:

  • Leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination
  • There are only two answers to the legendary question, “Is it cold in here or are you just happy to see me?”
  • As the Gizmodo contributor writes, “But what would you think if one of these fell off during a groping session?”

I suppose I can understand how someone might find it exciting to don these out in public, getting off on all the attention they’d bring. But come on! Halloween only comes once a year!

I really don’t think it is in the best long term interest of humanity for us to find more and more ways of artificially enhancing the human body. In other words, I don’t think this is what Darwin had in mind in terms of evolution.

Stuff We Don’t Need: Cloud Machines

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I guess this is what happens when the second wealthiest man in the world was born, raised, and still lives in Seattle.

From Inhabitat:

The Microsoft founder recently announced plans to invest $300,000 into research for machines that suck up seawater and spray it into the air, seeding white clouds that reflect rays of sunlight away from Earth.

The machines, developed by a San Francisco-based research group called Silver Lining, turn seawater into tiny particles that can be shot up over 3,000 feet in the air. The particles increase the density of clouds by increasing the amount of nuclei contained within. Silver Lining’s floating machines can suck up ten tons of water per second.

Of course it seems ok to a multi-billionaire Seattleite to add more clouds to the sky!

Listen, I know that the situation is dire and that a lot more needs to be done to combat global warming, but this idea seems crazy to me, and I’m sure that tourism bureaus all across the planet would be none too happy with it either.

But the most troubling thing to me is the bit about sucking up ten tons of seawater per second from the oceans. Am I crazy or is that bound to have a disastrous impact on fish and sea mammals? Isn’t this idea supposed to protect our planet from harm?

Stuff We Don’t Need: Chili Beer

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Listen, everyone who knows me knows that I LOVE Boundary Bay Brewery. I love the beer, the ambiance, the clientèle, and the food’s not too shabby either.

That said, I’m no Boundary Bay sycophant. I don’t like all of their beers, and I don’t like their policy of serving select seasonal beers in smaller glasses for the same price as a pint.

Oh, and I can attest that this beer, which I tried last year, is terrible:

Chili Beer

A spicy yet refreshing beer for Cinco De Mayo. A light bodied ale spiked with roasted Anaheim, Jalapeno and Serrano peppers. It’s not as hot as it sounds because the roasting takes away some of the heat but leaves all the flavor. Try some with your favorite dish. Salud!

Some things were simply not meant to go together: fish and bicycles…um…I mean: bicycle tires and broken glass, bare feet and dog poo, marinara sauce and white shirts, and…

…chili and beer. Chili-laden Mexican food is great when washed down with beer, but the flavors do NOT belong in the same glass.

Then again, that’s just me. If for some crazy reason you want to judge for yourself, by all means, go check it out why it’s available.

In the meantime, order me an Imperial Oatmeal Stout.